Why Polyamory Anxiety Isn't a Misfiring, According to Lola Phoenix

In an episode of the Non-Monogamy Help podcast, host Lola Phoenix discusses the anxiety that often arises when people open their relationships. She argues that this anxiety is not a misfiring of the nervous system but an accurate response to a culture that offers no examples of successful polyamory. Instead, society conditions individuals to see a partner’s other connections as a fundamental threat.

Phoenix explains that a monogamy-centric society promotes the belief that milestones like marriage, children, and homeownership make a relationship safe and protected. However, this is not necessarily true. In hierarchical non-monogamous arrangements, the fear of losing those things is reasonable, and the sense of security they provide can be an illusion.

The podcast draws a parallel to childhood, where a child is entirely dependent on caregivers and cannot leave. Recognizing that caregivers might not actually care would be an enormous psychological wound. As a result, many people learn to believe they can control relationships to stay safe, and they blame themselves when those relationships end.

According to Phoenix, anxiety is less about the feared event and more about the belief that one cannot cope. The real fear is not losing a partner or security, but the inability to handle that loss. She emphasizes that if such a situation occurred, a person can indeed deal with it.

The episode concludes with the advice to release the responsibility of trying to keep a partner around. The desire to control is understandable, but ultimately it is not possible. Letting go of that burden is a significant step toward reducing anxiety.

Lola Phoenix · Non-Monogamy Help · 11 Sep 2026
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