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Gonna Make That Pleasure Last
A manual for men who ejaculate too quickly.(Part I)
PREFACE
Nothing
you will read in this manual is new. Nothing has been invented
by me. I have no magic answers or cures. You can learn new
behaviors. Contrary to the adage, old dogs can learn new
tricks.
During
the time I have done sex therapy, I have read many articles
and books about treating "premature ejaculation",
or coming too quickly. While there are a number of accepted
techniques, each author has his or her preferred variations.
I present my program to you.
If
you are partnered, please have your partner read this manual
before you begin, so she will understand your learning process,
be patient, and be able to be cooperative. You must first
contract with your partner that there will be no intercourse
until the manual permits. However, do continue other forms
of emotional or physical closeness during this learning
period. And, make sure you are in good health and do not
have an untreated medical condition.
CHAPTER
1
There
is a "cure."
Congratulations!
Well, it's about time you decided to do something about
your "problem." It's been bothering you (and your
partner) since way back when.
I
know it's difficult to face an issue that so strongly confronts
our culture's idea of masculine control. But, every man
at some time in his life ejaculates (comes) before he wants
to. Even those men who "never have the problem"
sometimes slip, lose awareness of sensation, and come too
quickly.
These
are not the dark ages of sexual research, and you will benefit
from some of the things we have learned. In the past, we
knew less of the sexual response cycle, and men who came
too quickly saw little hope of finding a cure. Local anaesthetic
ointments and creams do not work! Psychoanalysis is also
ineffective for this problem! You are not crazy, and you
are not alone!
Chances
are that you are one of the 90 percent of men who will learn
to overcome this disabling and dissatisfying condition within
a few months. The results of this program are so good that
it is exciting to know that you (and your partner) will
be on the road to greater sexual fulfillment in a relatively
short time. Remember, it took you a lifetime to get to this
point, so it will take a little time to learn new techniques.
I
know that reading a long book does not seem exciting. So,
I have left out the technical material that many people
find boring. If you want the details, there are many fine
books on sexuality in your local library that will fill
in what this manual is missing. This short manual will serve
as a guide to you (and your partner). There are no great
secrets involved and no mysteries. Yes, it will really work!
You may not succeed immediately, but:
DO NOT GIVE UP!
Learning
takes time. Learning includes trial and error. If you are
learning this program with the help of a therapist, he/she
will guide you through difficulties and help you to strictly
follow directions, or make modifications when necessary.
On
occasion, deeper emotional problems or relationship issues
may interfere with your progress. Those issues will be discussed
during your counseling sessions. Remember, most males are
not born with the skill to be able to control their ejaculations.
And, except for Canadians, most people are not born on ice
skates!
This
brief manual does not address all of the considerations
that may arise during this learning experience. Therefore,
it is important that you (and hopefully your partner) will
continue contact with your therapist to help iron out some
of the kinks that may arise.
Begin with trust and proceed with love.
Good
luck.
CHAPTER
2
As
Sgt. Joe Friday said, "Just the facts, Ma'am!"
Simply
speaking, your problem is that at, or shortly after, penetration
into your partner's vagina with your penis, you come, before
you and your partner desire it.
Why
does this happen? Throughout the animal kingdom, intercourse
takes a very few seconds from penetration to ejaculation
to withdrawal. No animal, other than man, cares how long
it takes. So, it is normal and natural for a healthy male
to ejaculate quickly. The evolutionary principal of natural
selection suggests that the animal who could ejaculate quickly
would survive over slower animals who were thus exposed
to attack from other animals. Since man has become socialized,
it has become expected that he should dine instead of eat
and make love rather than copulate.
1.
Most males have only one ejaculation per sexual encounter.
2. Seventy-five percent of all males come within two minutes
after penetration.
3. Most intercourse in our culture is done in the male-above,
"missionary" position.
4. Many people have never tried any other position, though
the missionary position is the most difficult in which to
control the ejaculation.
5. Seventy-five percent of women do not achieve orgasm through
vaginal penetration, no matter how long intercourse lasts.
There
are three phases to the sexual response cycle:
1. Excitement (the increase of physical and mental stimulation
of sexual interest, erection in the male, lubrication in
the female);
2. Plateau (enjoying the feeling of high arousal, "scratching
the itch");
3. Orgasm (the release, coming).
For
men with inadequate ejaculatory control, the excitement
rises too quickly, and there is no time to enjoy the feeling
before the release. This program is designed to help you
to choose when to come. It will help you to slow the excitement
phase and lengthen the plateau phase. That's what you want,
isn't it?
CHAPTER
3
Why
me?
Except
in very rare instances, coming too quickly is not a physical
problem, though recently some medical treatments have been
used successfully to assist some men with this problem.
You are not sick, wrong or broken! The most usual cause
is a lack of sexual sensory awareness.
Men
who come too quickly have never developed a reliable sense
of what their genitals feel like when they are highly excited
and about to come. It is this lack of sensory awareness
that is a major cause of the poor ejaculatory control.
Certain
factors may have helped create your problem. Ask yourself
these questions:
1. Do you get too excited too quickly?
2. During sexual exploration in your young years, were you
fearful of getting caught, and thus you learned to rush
things? (Remember the back seat of the car or the living
room couch while her parents were out of the house?)
3. Were your early experiences with a prostitute who encouraged
you to hurry?
4. Were you trying to "perform" for the woman,
trying to get it "right?"
5. Do you feel guilty about masturbation and sex in general?
Are
there deeper psychological causes of coming too quickly?
For some men there are.
These are issues for further personal counseling. What are
some of them?
1. Antisexual Information from Childhood. I have found that
a most destructive factor in an individual's sexual personality
is religious orthodoxy and the antisexual messages given
by it.
2. Family Scarring. A humorous definition of parenting is
"passing mental illness to the next generation."
3.
Relationship Factors. Are other nonsexual issues with your
partner invading the bedroom? Is there an inability to communicate
with your partner about sexual issues, fantasies, and preferences?
While
counseling is recommended for a variety of deeper concerns,
and insight is helpful in understanding the basis for some
of the possible causes of your difficulty, in this instance
you will have to deal with your symptom directly in order
to gain control. And, you will be able to gain awareness
and control and experience a natural, easy enjoyment of
intercourse, and you will be able to ejaculate when you
choose.
CHAPTER
4
Let
Me Tell You About Dr. Kegel
Dr.
Anrold Kegel, a gynecologist, developed exercises known,
not surprisingly, as "Kegel Exercises." They were
designed for women, to help them strengthen the vaginal
muscular contractions and improve their sense of self-awareness.
Many women have found them to be helpful in improving their
sexual enjoyment.
These
exercises are easily adapted to men and should provide a
similar strengthening of pelvic muscles and awareness of
sensation in the genital area. The muscle I am speaking
of is that muscle you use to stop the flow of urine. Try
urinating and stopping the flow. Note that it is not the
same muscle you use to tighten your anus.
Now
that you have identified this muscle, the exercise is to
contract it firmly for one or two seconds and then release
it. This is repeated in a series of ten contractions several
times a day for maximum results. Do it! It will make a difference.
How
do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice!
You
will need to gain full sexual sensory awareness. This will
be accomplished by a series of exercises which you will
practice, first alone and then with your partner.
Our
goal is not to reduce the sensitivity, but to prolong the
enjoyable sensations and learn to stay aware and in control
while being highly aroused. Isn't that what you and your
partner want, too?
The
method we will use was first described in 1956 by a urologist,
Dr. James Semans. It is called "The Stop-Start Technique."
A
word to the wise:
1. You must give yourself time to learn.
2. Learning includes trial and error and constant repetition.
3. If you just try the exercises a few times and then stop
for a few weeks, you will not learn.
4. Unless you are ready to do the exercises consistently,
step by step, at least two or three times every week, they
will not do you any good, and you will simply end up frustrated
and discouraged.
Copyright
1991 2nd edition |
