Singers Galore

    Gonna Make That Pleasure Last
A manual for men who ejaculate too quickly.(Part I)

    David S. Hersh, Ed.D., FAACS

Gonna Make That Pleasure Last
A manual for men who ejaculate too quickly.(Part I)


Nothing you will read in this manual is new. Nothing has been invented by me. I have no magic answers or cures. You can learn new behaviors. Contrary to the adage, old dogs can learn new tricks.

During the time I have done sex therapy, I have read many articles and books about treating "premature ejaculation", or coming too quickly. While there are a number of accepted techniques, each author has his or her preferred variations. I present my program to you.

If you are partnered, please have your partner read this manual before you begin, so she will understand your learning process, be patient, and be able to be cooperative. You must first contract with your partner that there will be no intercourse until the manual permits. However, do continue other forms of emotional or physical closeness during this learning period. And, make sure you are in good health and do not have an untreated medical condition.

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There is a "cure."

Congratulations! Well, it's about time you decided to do something about your "problem." It's been bothering you (and your partner) since way back when.

I know it's difficult to face an issue that so strongly confronts our culture's idea of masculine control. But, every man at some time in his life ejaculates (comes) before he wants to. Even those men who "never have the problem" sometimes slip, lose awareness of sensation, and come too quickly.

These are not the dark ages of sexual research, and you will benefit from some of the things we have learned. In the past, we knew less of the sexual response cycle, and men who came too quickly saw little hope of finding a cure. Local anaesthetic ointments and creams do not work! Psychoanalysis is also ineffective for this problem! You are not crazy, and you are not alone!

Chances are that you are one of the 90 percent of men who will learn to overcome this disabling and dissatisfying condition within a few months. The results of this program are so good that it is exciting to know that you (and your partner) will be on the road to greater sexual fulfillment in a relatively short time. Remember, it took you a lifetime to get to this point, so it will take a little time to learn new techniques.

I know that reading a long book does not seem exciting. So, I have left out the technical material that many people find boring. If you want the details, there are many fine books on sexuality in your local library that will fill in what this manual is missing. This short manual will serve as a guide to you (and your partner). There are no great secrets involved and no mysteries. Yes, it will really work! You may not succeed immediately, but:

Learning takes time. Learning includes trial and error. If you are learning this program with the help of a therapist, he/she will guide you through difficulties and help you to strictly follow directions, or make modifications when necessary.

On occasion, deeper emotional problems or relationship issues may interfere with your progress. Those issues will be discussed during your counseling sessions. Remember, most males are not born with the skill to be able to control their ejaculations. And, except for Canadians, most people are not born on ice skates!

This brief manual does not address all of the considerations that may arise during this learning experience. Therefore, it is important that you (and hopefully your partner) will continue contact with your therapist to help iron out some of the kinks that may arise.
Begin with trust and proceed with love.

Good luck.


As Sgt. Joe Friday said, "Just the facts, Ma'am!"

Simply speaking, your problem is that at, or shortly after, penetration into your partner's vagina with your penis, you come, before you and your partner desire it.

Why does this happen? Throughout the animal kingdom, intercourse takes a very few seconds from penetration to ejaculation to withdrawal. No animal, other than man, cares how long it takes. So, it is normal and natural for a healthy male to ejaculate quickly. The evolutionary principal of natural selection suggests that the animal who could ejaculate quickly would survive over slower animals who were thus exposed to attack from other animals. Since man has become socialized, it has become expected that he should dine instead of eat and make love rather than copulate.

1. Most males have only one ejaculation per sexual encounter.
2. Seventy-five percent of all males come within two minutes after penetration.
3. Most intercourse in our culture is done in the male-above, "missionary" position.
4. Many people have never tried any other position, though the missionary position is the most difficult in which to control the ejaculation.
5. Seventy-five percent of women do not achieve orgasm through vaginal penetration, no matter how long intercourse lasts.

There are three phases to the sexual response cycle:
1. Excitement (the increase of physical and mental stimulation of sexual interest, erection in the male, lubrication in the female);
2. Plateau (enjoying the feeling of high arousal, "scratching the itch");
3. Orgasm (the release, coming).

For men with inadequate ejaculatory control, the excitement rises too quickly, and there is no time to enjoy the feeling before the release. This program is designed to help you to choose when to come. It will help you to slow the excitement phase and lengthen the plateau phase. That's what you want, isn't it?

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Why me?

Except in very rare instances, coming too quickly is not a physical problem, though recently some medical treatments have been used successfully to assist some men with this problem. You are not sick, wrong or broken! The most usual cause is a lack of sexual sensory awareness.

Men who come too quickly have never developed a reliable sense of what their genitals feel like when they are highly excited and about to come. It is this lack of sensory awareness that is a major cause of the poor ejaculatory control.

Certain factors may have helped create your problem. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you get too excited too quickly?
2. During sexual exploration in your young years, were you fearful of getting caught, and thus you learned to rush things? (Remember the back seat of the car or the living room couch while her parents were out of the house?)
3. Were your early experiences with a prostitute who encouraged you to hurry?
4. Were you trying to "perform" for the woman, trying to get it "right?"
5. Do you feel guilty about masturbation and sex in general?

Are there deeper psychological causes of coming too quickly? For some men there are.

These are issues for further personal counseling. What are some of them?
1. Antisexual Information from Childhood. I have found that a most destructive factor in an individual's sexual personality is religious orthodoxy and the antisexual messages given by it.
2. Family Scarring. A humorous definition of parenting is "passing mental illness to the next generation."

3. Relationship Factors. Are other nonsexual issues with your partner invading the bedroom? Is there an inability to communicate with your partner about sexual issues, fantasies, and preferences?

While counseling is recommended for a variety of deeper concerns, and insight is helpful in understanding the basis for some of the possible causes of your difficulty, in this instance you will have to deal with your symptom directly in order to gain control. And, you will be able to gain awareness and control and experience a natural, easy enjoyment of intercourse, and you will be able to ejaculate when you choose.


Let Me Tell You About Dr. Kegel

Dr. Anrold Kegel, a gynecologist, developed exercises known, not surprisingly, as "Kegel Exercises." They were designed for women, to help them strengthen the vaginal muscular contractions and improve their sense of self-awareness. Many women have found them to be helpful in improving their sexual enjoyment.

These exercises are easily adapted to men and should provide a similar strengthening of pelvic muscles and awareness of sensation in the genital area. The muscle I am speaking of is that muscle you use to stop the flow of urine. Try urinating and stopping the flow. Note that it is not the same muscle you use to tighten your anus.

Now that you have identified this muscle, the exercise is to contract it firmly for one or two seconds and then release it. This is repeated in a series of ten contractions several times a day for maximum results. Do it! It will make a difference.

How do you get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice!

You will need to gain full sexual sensory awareness. This will be accomplished by a series of exercises which you will practice, first alone and then with your partner.

Our goal is not to reduce the sensitivity, but to prolong the enjoyable sensations and learn to stay aware and in control while being highly aroused. Isn't that what you and your partner want, too?

The method we will use was first described in 1956 by a urologist, Dr. James Semans. It is called "The Stop-Start Technique."

A word to the wise:
1. You must give yourself time to learn.
2. Learning includes trial and error and constant repetition.
3. If you just try the exercises a few times and then stop for a few weeks, you will not learn.
4. Unless you are ready to do the exercises consistently, step by step, at least two or three times every week, they will not do you any good, and you will simply end up frustrated and discouraged.

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Copyright 1991 2nd edition

David S. Hersh, Ed.D., FAACS, is a Clinical and Consulting Sexologist and Psychotherapist in private practice. Board certified by the American College of Sexologists and the American Board of Sexology, a Founding Fellow of the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists, a founder of the Sex Therapy Consortium in San Francisco, CA, and licensed in California by the Board of Behavioral Sciences as a Marriage and Family Therapist, he has practiced in California since 1966 and British Columbia since 1990. He is Associate Professor of Sexology at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. He is a Registered Clinical Counsellor with the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors.

Dr. Hersh is listed in The International Who's Who in Sexology (1st ed.), and he is a member of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS), and the Sex Information and Education Councils of the United States (SIECUS) and Canada (SIECCAN). He has also served as Educator for Planned Parenthood Association of BC - Nelson Branch.
Dr. Hersh is available for private consultation by appointment.

David S. Hersh, Ed.D., FAACS
317 Silica Street Nelson, B.C. V1L 4M4 Canada
Canada (250) 352-0151

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