man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special
"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him.
I'm celebrating, too"
she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are you
celebrating?" "I'm a
chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile,
they're finally fertile."
"What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband
and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist
told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every
time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting
off the light. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was
ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this
crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle
of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-
operated pleasure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful,
and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic.
"You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how
could you be lying to me all of these years? You better
explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in
the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy . .
. you explain the kids."
Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day. They both
go before the angel to find out if they'll be admitted to
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so
the angel must decide which of them gets in. The angel asks
Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go
to heaven, whereupon she took off her top and said, "Look
at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every
day for eternity"
The angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen took a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shook
it up, and gargled. Then, she spit into the toilette and
pulled the lever.
The angel said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about?"
"I show you two of God's own perfect creations and
you turn me down. She simply gargled and she got in. Would
you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," said the angel, "but even
in heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big
morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if
you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself
better and replied with silence.
next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the
breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up
we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a
silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by
his package. With a death grip in place she said, "You
know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman,
the gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother!"
hunting - Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without
success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They
got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the
mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the
costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and
shoot the bull.
set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their
costume and began to give the moose love call. Before
long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing
out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull
was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, lets
get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in
the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are
we going to do!?" The guy in the front says, "Well,
I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace
Q. Did you hear about the
new "morning after" pill for men?
A. It changes their blood type
A young couple on the
brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor
asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My
husband suffers from premature ejaculation." The counselor
turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?"
replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers,
This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker
says, "Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in
a big way down here in Texas." "Sure," he
says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off
her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is
this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"
The guy says, "No, just the first one I've seen big
enough to crawl back into."
"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with
the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker,"
the housewife told a neighbor. "You didn't do it, did
you?" "I have to admit I did -- though with certain
misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is
tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into
her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns
to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your
penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After
a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight." He
says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating
grass for fifteen minutes."
THE PICTURE ON THE NIGHTSTAND
After a long night of making love, this guy rolls over
and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture
of another man on the nightstand by the bed. Naturally,
the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he asked
nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she
said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?"
he guy asked. Tickling his chin, she replied, "That's me
before the surgery."