Singers Galore

    Gonna Make That Pleasure Last
A manual for men who ejaculate too quickly.(Part II)

    David S. Hersh, Ed.D., FAACS

Gonna Make That Pleasure Last
A manual for men who ejaculate too quickly.(Part II)

Step 1


Masturbation is the first key to success.
1. Find a comfortable place and time so that you will not be disturbed.
2. Allow plenty of time so that you can relax and attend to yourself only.
3. Begin to masturbate in your usual manner, whatever way that might be. Some men stroke the penis up and down. Some rub the penis on the bed, between the thighs, or between pillows. Some lie in bed on their back, side, or stomach. Some stand or sit, or do it in the shower. They use a light or firm stroke, stroking just the tip or the whole shaft. Some use a vibrator, other devices or lubricants for a variety of stimulations. Do it your way.
4. Now, slow the process just a little, and try to focus on the pleasurable sensations in your penis as you stimulate yourself and as your excitement rises. With your "mind's eye", try to pay attention to what it feels like just before you come (at the "point of no return"). Let go and enjoy your orgasm. That's it for today. Do not masturbate again today.

Step 2


A day or two later, masturbate again under the same relaxed conditions. This time, regardless of what your usual way is, use just your hand.
1. Begin stimulation.
2. Stop stimulating yourself when you reach a high level of arousal, near ejaculation. Stop for a few seconds only but not long enough to lose your erection.
3. Then start stroking the shaft and the tip of the penis again. Interrupt this process three times, each time your arousal gets high. Let yourself come on the fourth time as freely as you can.
4. During this exercise, try to concentrate on the pleasurable feeling of your penis during excitement. Do not try to hold back your ejaculation. Simply try to find a point of high arousal.
5. Repeat this exercise at least every two or three days until you become familiar with the sensations of pleasure and rising arousal. This is the beginning of learning to control your ejaculation. It may take some time.
6. Do not progress to the next step until you are in touch with the sensations that you are receiving during masturbation. Each man is different, and I cannot predict how long this process will take.

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Step 3


Only when you have acquired mastery of Step 2 should you go on.

This next step is exactly the same, except that you are to use a lubricant on your penis. Use a water-soluble, liquid lubricant. Check with your therapist or pharmacist for suggestions. Never use Vaseline or any petroleum-based product for sexual purposes. The purpose of this step is to simulate the moistness of the vagina.

Begin to masturbate using the directions from Step 2. Only when you are able to last for about three minutes before you stop, are you ready for the next step. This is not an exact measurement. Again, the main concern is to be able to concentrate on the feeling of pleasure and not the time involved. With patience, you will get a sense of the time.

Step 4


This is the same as Step 3, except that, instead of stopping when you reach a high arousal level, you are just to slow down the pace of your stroking. Remember to use a lubricant. At first you may have to slow almost to a stop before you gain control, but after a few repetitions you will catch on and be able to vary your speed. This will be important when you enter your partner's vagina. You will eventually find that this technique is an important part, leading to successful intercourse.

Step 5


By this time, you will be much more familiar with the sensations you receive during masturbation. This step simply practices all you have learned and is designed to allow you to enjoy your masturbation freely. At this point, you should now be able to employ FOCUS, STOP-START, WET STOP-START, and SLOW-FAST, all according to your own desires. Practice these until you are comfortable with all the variations. Regular masturbation is the healthiest way to learn expertise. I suggest doing the exercises at least two or three times a week. And remember, no intercourse just yet.

Step 6


Hopefully, you have discussed this program with your partner. It is important that she understand that you are engaging in a structured process that will eventually lead to greater sexual pleasure for both of you. Now is the time for her direct involvement.

It is most important to set the sexual scene so that it is relaxed and uninterrupted. No TV, no telephone, no kids. Shower together and get into bed with the lights on low.
1. Begin your usual kissing and caressing until you have an erection.
2. When you are erect, your partner should begin to masturbate you. At this point, you are not to return her caresses but simply enjoy the stimulation you are receiving, and you are to focus on those sensations.
3. When you are highly aroused, but before you get to the "point of no return" (you now know what that feels like from previous steps), ask her to stop.
4. When you feel in control again, have her start stimulating you again. Repeat this procedure three times and then freely ejaculate.
5. Practice this step at least two or three times a week, until you feel confident that you are gaining control with her hand. Then repeat this step using lubricant. Again, practice at least two or three times a week until control is achieved.
If during practice you continued stimulation too long and ejaculated, do not worry; you have not failed. You will learn control. It does take time.

Don't neglect your partner. Let her know that you are pleased to give her sexual attention with your hand, mouth, vibrator, or dildo, either before or after your orgasm, but continue to refrain from intercourse.

Step 7


After you have gained control during masturbation with your partner, it is time to learn to become aware of the sensations that occur during penetration.
1. Begin your sexual session as usual, and have her stimulate you until you are firmly erect but not too aroused.
2. Your partner will then sit astride you and insert your penis into her vagina. She sits quietly without moving, with your penis inside her. This will allow you to focus on the feeling of being contained within her.
3. Then, with your hands on her hips, gently guide her movement up and down to increase arousal, but have her stop movement before the "point of no return." Have her sit still until you calm down, but not to the point of losing an erection. Then begin again. Repeat this exercise twice and let yourself come on the third time.

Practice, practice!

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Step 8


When you have gained control using the female above position, it is now time to try another one.
1. Following your usual foreplay, your partner will lie on her back with her legs open.
2. You will lie on your side (left or right) at approximately a 90-degree angle to her and position yourself so that you can penetrate her with your penis, adjusting both partners' legs in a comfortable position.
3. Begin with penetration and no movement. Then add movement, but stop before you are too highly aroused. Repeat this exercise twice and let yourself come on the third time.

Practice, practice!

Step 9


After you have gained control by stopping before you get too highly aroused, you should now practice moving more slowly when the arousal gets high, rather than stopping. You will be able to do it.

You are at the point where further refinements may be discussed with your therapist or worked out on your own. When you get to this point, you have begun to find sexual intercourse a natural, relaxing, pleasurable, loving experience. Enjoy it. You are getting to know your body and its sensations.


Why didn't it work?

If you find that your control is not progressing as you hoped it would, there may be some ways that the program is being sabotaged. Here are a few of the possible reasons why you are having difficulty.
1. Have you really made a commitment to doing the program on a regular basis? Regularity is essential.
2. Are you getting anxious about failure? All learning includes trial and error. It takes time.
3. Are you rushing on to the next step before you have really mastered the current step? You are wasting your time and effort. This will only create more frustration. It took you a lifetime to get to this point Relax, learning takes time.
4. Are you still trying to hold back your ejaculation using the old habits that don't work? (Are you thinking about hockey?) Remember, we are seeking to increase awareness and enjoy, not distract.
5. Is your partner fully cooperative in the program? Does she want you to gain control? Does she want to have satisfying sex with you?
6. Are you providing loving sexual stimulation for your partner's satisfaction, either before or after your exercises? It is important that your program should not simply become a chore for her. Remember, sex is stimulating for her too, and there are ways to provide sexual pleasure other than intercourse.
7. Are some non-sexual aspects of your relationship interfering with your progress? Are you arguing about finances, the kids, housework?
8. Are either you or your partner making excuses for not doing the exercises? Are you bored with the program?
9. Do you really want to learn to change your behavior?

Your therapist is there to help you with this program and you are urged to stay in contact whenever there are questions.

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Copyright 1991 2nd edition

David S. Hersh, Ed.D., FAACS, is a Clinical and Consulting Sexologist and Psychotherapist in private practice. Board certified by the American College of Sexologists and the American Board of Sexology, a Founding Fellow of the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists, a founder of the Sex Therapy Consortium in San Francisco, CA, and licensed in California by the Board of Behavioral Sciences as a Marriage and Family Therapist, he has practiced in California since 1966 and British Columbia since 1990. He is Associate Professor of Sexology at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. He is a Registered Clinical Counsellor with the British Columbia Association of Clinical Counsellors.

Dr. Hersh is listed in The International Who's Who in Sexology (1st ed.), and he is a member of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS), and the Sex Information and Education Councils of the United States (SIECUS) and Canada (SIECCAN). He has also served as Educator for Planned Parenthood Association of BC - Nelson Branch.
Dr. Hersh is available for private consultation by appointment.

David S. Hersh, Ed.D., FAACS
317 Silica Street Nelson, B.C. V1L 4M4 Canada
Canada (250) 352-0151

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